Scratching my eyes out

I am literally seconds away from scratching my eyes out. They are driving me batty. My allergies are particularly irritating today, and my eyes are incredibly itchy. I think it is worse when I run outside, which I did this morning. I have already rubbed most of my eye makeup off, which I will have to go reapply soon. I have been putting gallons of eye drops in to no avail. I just took my contacts out, and am now blindly squinting at the screen. I have the sight of an earthworm. Maybe worse.

On the upside, I have an appointment scheduled for next month for a Lasik consultation. You

can't get the surgery when you are pregnant or breastfeeding. Even after you finish nursing, they must wait several months so the hormonal effect on your vision goes back to normal. I wear semi-rigid gas permeable lenses, so I will have to switch to soft for a few weeks and then just wear glasses the last week or so before they fix me. They want your eyeballs back to their normal state so they fix them accurately. I absolutely can't wait. I have worn glasses since I was about 4 and contacts since I was 13.

Two thoughts today. First, I never thought I would feel this way, but I miss nursing. It was something that bonded Q and me. Something that made him reach for me and cry when I walked away. It was a nice, sweet, healthy, loving thing between mother and child. Now, I am just one of the tall people who walks around his house and answers his whims. So sad. Not that I miss pumping at work, but there is something that tugs at me.

Second, sometimes it drives me crazy that I don't actually enjoy Q and motherhood enough. Much of the time I am just surviving. I pop Q in his high chair, urge him to eat quickly, bathe him in speed mode, change his diaper in a flash, wrestle to dress him, run out the door with him tucked under one arm. I feel like I am always rushing and not stopping to actually enjoy him enough. I feel like his babyhood is slipping away. I get frustrated about it.

--MM