Mean mama

I had two intense moments of guilt today. You just never get used to it. The first horrible feeling came when I was trimming R's tiny fingernails. You can probably guess what came next. I snipped a bit of his tiny index finger, and he started wailing. I seriously felt like I was going to throw up. I think you feel your child's pain more intensely than your own. Fingers of course bleed like crazy, so that little millimeter-wide cut seemed to bleed forever. I apologized over and over and put a tiny band aid on. Just thinking about it now makes me feel sick all over again.

The second awful feeling of guilt came when I was running on the treadmill. R was hanging out in his bouncy chair next to me, and Q was playing with cars. Then Q reached over and pushed this little switch on the bottom of the treadmill. It made it stop abruptly. It's not like I was close to falling off or anything, but it startled me, and I screamed at him. I immediately felt horrible, and said, "Mama's sorry for yelling at you, but please do NOT turn that off." It's not like I never raise my voice to him, but I really screamed this time unnecessarily, and that is just not the mother I want to be.

--MM

Dollar deals

We hit the dollar store this weekend. I have visited in the past here or there but never really thought much of it. Though that place is full of cheap crap for just a buck, it is a gold mine if you have kids.

We went in for some bubble paraphernalia to give Q something to do for the afternoon. We ended up getting two big bubble wands, a package of small bubble wands, a huge thing of dish soap for bubble making in the kiddie pool, sidewalk chalk, a set of three tiny train cars, two things of pens and a stain remover for me. Our grand total? Nine dollars. That is amazing. Granted, one of the bubble wands broke before we even used it and two of the three train cars lost their wheels, but we duct taped the bubble wand, and Q is still playing with the broken trains. I consider it a bargain.

That place even had wine glasses and candles and all sorts of things. I think when Q is older we can go there and let him pick out a few treats. It's probably also good for entertaining if you want pink plates or something but don't want to spend a lot of money. I was thoroughly impressed.

--MM

Many martinis

I hosted a mom's group event this weekend. It was a Mom's Night In. We generally have Mom's Night Out events, but they are in loud bars, and it is hard to talk very much. So, I had a few of the ladies over for drinks and appetizers.

I decided to phone it in slightly by just buying all my snacks. I got a couple kinds of chips, two dips, veggies, a cheese torta, cheesecake, and truffles. I opened a couple of bottles of wine and found an easy martini recipe.

We had a theme of "show and tell" to break the ice. The ladies arrived at 7:00 p.m. T took the boys to the mall to get them out of the house. We showed and told about our items and also played "two truths and a lie." You offer two true statements about yourself and one false one, and everyone else tries to figure out which is which. We had fun and learned about each other, and the drinks were flowing freely.

I haven't had much too drink in the last year obviously, so I am a bit of a lightweight. After a martini and a couple glasses of wine, I was spent. I was seeing a little double and wobbly on my feet. Everyone left and I crawled in to bed.

This morning, I woke up to a slight headache and a parched mouth, but not too bad. I don't know how I did this day after day in college.

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French Martini

2 oz. Vodka
1 oz. Chambord (or other raspberry liquor)
1.5 ounce pineapple juice

Stir with ice and strain into glass.

-MM

Flunking time management

I never leave myself enough time. I always predict how long something will take based on the best case scenario, which pretty much never happens, so then I am rushing around and frequently late.

Take today for example. I took the boys to a park for a play date. It was nice and close and easy. Q had a good time. When I got home I ran and walked for about 25 minutes on the treadmill and left myself about 45 minutes to get ready. That is doable if I scramble and if nothing slows me down. Then of course, the child care provider was extra chatty, her son wanted to show me a fingerprint he made, R demanded an extra feeding, Q woke up and had a poopy diaper, and my hair was flat and unmanageable. I was soon running very late with absolutely no time to make a very necessary trip to Starbucks. Even with half-doing my hair and not putting on my make-up, I was 15 minutes late to work. Definitely need to schedule a little extra time for these unforeseen circumstances that always seem to happen.

My other problem is it took me forever to get dressed. I am having such issues with that lately. My belly is still so rounded from being pregnant three and a half months ago, and I still need to lose at least ten pounds. A good half of my wardrobe doesn't fit and most of the rest doesn't fit well. Some of my skirts don't zip, and others make me look too bulgy. I am self-conscious in any shirt that is fitted. Today I put on a white shirt and black shorts. Too clingy. Changed to a black skirt. Too bulgy. Changed to a patterned shirt and short black skirt. Too skanky. Finished with the same shirt and a longer black skirt that is not zipped all the way up. Plus, I wear a suit jacket most every day, and very few of mine button up correctly right now. A lot of that is from the extra cup size I have from breastfeeding but the rest is belly bulge, and I do not like it.

I have a hard time remembering how long it took me to get back into shape after having Q, but I did get back to a body I was comfortable with. I felt fine in a bikini and weighed 13 pounds less than I do now. Then again I did have Q six weeks early, so my belly did not get as enormous as it did this time. There are some benefits to premature birth. Not many, but some. I fear my previous body is now just a skinny, distant memory.

-MM

Happy kids, tired mama

First, a clarification. I like the Starbucks Doubleshot that they actually make at the stores. They shake up espresso, milk, and a little classic syrup. It is yummy. I have not tried the stuff in cans and am a bit skeptical, but if it is as good as the real thing, I will jump on board.

Now on to my chaotic day. There was a Children's Festival this week. I meant to go yesterday to meet up with my mom's group, but just didn't feel up to it. I knew Q would love it, but I also knew it would be a challenge. Today, I sucked it up and dove in. You know those days? You just want to lay on the couch, but you know you should take the hard road because it is worth it for the little ones.

It was rough with just one person. I had the baby strapped to me, and Q was free range. The festival was packed and for the first time, I was thinking how handy those baby leashes must be. Q kept wandering off, and it was so hard to pick him up with R in his Snugli. I had to ask for help from other parents once or twice, but all in all it was a success. Q had fun painting and playing in bubbles. I made the drastic mistake of wearing white pants.

When we got home, the boys were wiped out and fell right asleep. I would have paid a large sum of money to do the same, but alas, I had to get on the treadmill then jump in the shower and head to work for a full day. Sometimes I wish there were just more hours in the day to sleep.

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We woke up to another ant infestation this morning. They were coming in the back door and side door and meeting in the middle. They were swarming in the cat food and invading the litter box. It was overwhelming to look at their trail of little black bodies. I hate them!! Though I am a deep lover of animals, I delighted in spraying poison on them. Stupid ant jerks. They better not come back.


----------------------------

Sunday: 4.5 miles running .5 walking
Monday: 30 mins. walking
Tuesday: 30 mins. running

144 lbs--need to step up the weight loss. My clothes don't fit!

-- MM

On my list

Two things are making me happy right now. Well more than that of course. My children and all that...But two other things.

1. "The Omnivore's Dilemma." It is a fascinating read about the food we eat, and how it has changed so much. Do you realize how much corn is in just about everything you put in your mouth? It is kind of scary really the strange things we do to something that is supposed to be natural. The author is not a vegetarian, but he sure made me glad I am one. It makes you actually think about what you eat rather than mindlessly chomp away. Which I still do from time to time. I mean, I have been known to eat a whole container of Icebreakers Sours to the point my tongue is burning, but I do generally like to be mindful of what I take in.

2. On to the second one, perhaps in direct contrast to the first. The wonderful Starbucks Doubleshot on Ice. I usually like just coffee or a cappuccino even it is hot outside. I don't like my drinks too syrupy or sweet. This is quite lovely though. Sweet, creamy, tastes like espresso. It hits the spot most every afternoon these days and is not insanely expensive like some of the other drinks on the menu.

Now on to the thing that is weirding me out this week.

1. Q is starting to get smelly. He is changing from the sweet-smelling baby to a full-fledged stinky boy. It started slow with a dirty, puppy dog smell (as my mom would say). But T and I have noticed his feet and shoes are now smelly. Like a grown person smelly! Sigh. I guess we should wash him a little more often.

--MM

All's not fair

A county fair is not the best place for a vegetarian for a number of reasons. First, I do not understand the whole FFA and 4-H experience. These kids get so close to their animals that they become more than pets. They name them, feed them, bathe them, blow-dry their fur, and then send them off to slaughter. Why would you want to set yourself up for such heartache? I haven't even met or cared for livestock, and I still don't want to eat it.

We stopped in the meat goat barn and watched some judging. I admired the cute little goats and their proud middle-school handlers. And then felt physically ill thinking about them being killed and eaten. We walked out of there and into the beef barn. Same issue. I distracted myself by asking Q what sounds cows make. He dutifully belted, "Moo!" Still sad.

We encountered more problems in the food aisle. There is sausage, chicken, chicken-on-a-stick, sausage-on-a-stick, burgers, hot dogs, but not a lot of tofu. I did satisfy myself with a funnel cake and marionberry lemonade. They were quite tasty I must say. Q was tall enough this year to go on three rides. I felt like barfing after accompanying him on the carousel. I hope by the time he is tall enough for the death drop, he can go alone.

We finished the day in the pavilion for prize-winning art, baked goods, and vegetables. Finally, a place where a vegetarian can feel at home at the fair.

--MM

Wonderful weekend

I am so ready for this weekend. It has been a rough week. I have gotten about 5 or 6 hours a sleep a night and have been struggling to finish my project for next week. I feel overworked and under-appreciated at work. I had the thought a few times at work this week that it just isn't worth it. They are asking too much from me. I finished the week feeling okay with work but still frustrated. I am just not willing to dedicate my life to my job when I have two little babies at home. They just can't expect that. But now it is the weekend and hopefully time for naps and laying around and glasses of wine.

--MM

Heart attack and back

It has been a roller coaster of a day. T had a class so I was responsible for the preparation of the kiddoes in the morning and at bed time. I also had an appointment at 2:30, so I went in to work an hour early to get things started, then left for my appointment, and afterward returned to work. The day was hectic as usual, involving some poop episodes and Ruby the dachshund nearly getting run over by a scooter. I was actually supposed to meet someone for coffee this morning, but I called and said that was just not happening. The real heart attack was in the middle of the day at work.

I am two-thirds of the way done with a project I am working on. Or at least I thought I was. It has been a rush as it is. I have been working different shifts and slightly longer hours to get it done by Monday when it airs. Today two co-workers were trying to access the project and couldn't find it. I felt like I was going to throw up. I went to look for it too and realized I hadn't put it in permanent files. If it is not there, the system is designed to erase files after seven days. It had been seven days.

I felt such a sense of dread thinking of all of those hours of work. I emailed T to mope. Then, I pulled my self up, summoned my strength and got ready for a long night and a long rest of the week. Then I found it. I'm not sure how or why. It should be long gone. But it's not. And I am sooooo glad.

--------------

Friday--rest
Saturday--4 miles on treadmill
Sunday--4 miles outside
Monday--30 minutes walk/run on treadmill
Tuesday--rest
Wednesday--4 miles on treadmill

--MM

Guilt

I have been feeling guilty lately. About every little thing. I am a pretty guilty person by nature, but lately I have just felt swamped in it.

I feel guilty about being at work instead of being with my babies. I feel guilty that I am not focused enough on work now that my family is larger. I feel guilty if I eat too much ice cream or skip my run. I feel guilty if I am late for an appointment. I feel guilty if I depend on my co-worker, so I end up just doing extra work. I feel guilty that I am not making T a priority.

I am driving myself crazy. I know all this guilt is misplaced, but I can't shake it. I tell T how I feel, and he doesn't feel the same. Even after a business trip or an especially long day, he doesn't waste a moment on guilt. I don't think I have struck the right balance in my life yet, and even that is making me feel guilty.

--MM

Overindulgence

Things got better after a rough Saturday. T and I went out for our date night Saturday night. We're trying to do that once a month now, so that our life isn't all about work and kids. We went out to a nice dinner and then to a wine bar afterward. There was not a single movie that interested us, unfortunately. I didn't feel like wasting $18 on "Hancock." So, the movie will have to wait till next time.


Sunday, we woke up at the painful hour of 6:00 a.m. to go to a balloon rally. Q is a great lover of standard-size balloons, so gigantic ones were quite a thrill. We watched all of them lift off as Q shouted, "Boon! Up high!"

After that we went to breakfast at a local little diner we had never visited but will again.


Check out the size of those cinnamon rolls! They were as big as Q's head! And they were good! Why do restaurants do this to me? I have self-control and will power in some situations, but not when a large portion of something especially tasty is sitting in front of me. Then I generally polish it off until I am feeling uncomfortably full. Which is exactly what I did. Seriously, that sucker was the size of about five regular cinnamon rolls. It would have been wrong to leave some behind. Right?

--MM

Kid overload

I am having a bit of a rough day. T is of course at school all day, and I am home alone with the babies. After a long week of working about 50 hours, all I would like to do is just rest. And I can't. There are many things I love about being a parent, but one I don't is that you just can't ever check out. At this age, you can't say, "I am tired. Leave me alone," as much as you would like to. When the baby is crying you have to get up and go to him even if all you want to do is lay down. Q is at such a trying age as it is, and on these kinds of days it is tough to take. I am just waiting till T gets home and feeling guilty and like a bad mom. I have looked at the clock about 7,000 times. Please tell me I am not alone in having these days.

--MM

Madness

A few of the highlights of my last few days:

*Has been over 100 degrees. Air conditioning in one car is shot. Clutch went out this week.
*T rode bike to work. Gear in bike is jammed. Had to walk bike up long hill to work. Was hating life.
*Had to pick up T from work, leave kids with him, he took them home to daycare provider while I went to appointment. He picked me up from appointment, took me to work. Overslept at night when he was supposed to pick me up. I waited outside on the sidewalk in the dark.
*After picking up fixed car, turned wrong way on a one way street. T honked and screamed at me from other car. I thought, "What is with all that honking?"
*R peed on skirt. Changed to white skirt. Went out for Mexican with T. Spilled salsa on white skirt. Scrubbed at it in bathroom with paper towels.
*Before getting into shower, looked downstairs to check on Q. Found gate knocked down, dog racing upstairs, small paint roller shredded by said dog, Q wailing. Cleaned up paint roller debris, captured dog, replaced gate, picked up crying Q, took him upstairs. Got into shower. (Was naked entire time--sorry neighbors)
*Giant ant infestation in kitchen.
*Q has taken to "feeding" baby doll like mama does. Is half disturbing, half sweet. Also puts baby doll in swing and aggressively pushes and is mad when R must use swing.
*Forgot flip-flops for pedicure appointment. Sweet nail tech gave me her shoes to wear home.
*R slept through night four nights in row!!!!!!

At least life is interesting.

------------------

Wednesday: nada (see above)
Thursday: ran 20 minutes, push-ups, sit-ups (better than nothing)
142ish lbs

--MM

Blessed sleep

R has now slept through the night several days in a row! Eureka! It is a wonderful thing. I am still skeptical that this is a permanent arrangement, and I have been sleeping a little fitfully because I am used to getting up, but I am enjoying it.

Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream is one of my great loves. I would marry it if it were not forbidden. When I was a thinner younger person, I could down one of those pints in a single sitting. T brought home what at first glance looks like the perfect solution. A single-serving of the ambrosia. It is 220 calories, which is much better than the almost 1,000 in an entire pint. However, it pretty much is the size of a thimble. I cracked it open last night and wasted no time in polishing it off. I wanted more. I guess that's the good part...enforced will power. I just couldn't ever have several of those suckers in the freezer at once.

--------------

Sunday: 6+ miles outside (felt great)
Monday: 3 miles walk/run on treadmill, weights

Tuesday: 3 miles walk/run on treadmill, push-ups, sit-ups

--MM

All night long

R slept through the night last night! Woo hoo! I have a feeling it is a fluke and an isolated incident, but it sure was a nice change. We'll see what tonight brings.

T has a three day weekend, so we are actually seeing each other a bit. He is off from work and school. Today we painted both upstairs bathrooms, something I have been wanting to do for awhile. We chose bright yellow-orange (like a school bus) for the boys' bathroom to match the transportation theme and a light taupe for our bathroom. We banged them out pretty quick. It is amazing what a coat of paint will do. It transforms the room and gives you such a sense of accomplishment.

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Thursday: walk/run 35 minutes, push-ups, sit-ups
Friday: walk 45 minutes with family, 10 flights of stairs
Saturday: rest (painted..that counts for something doesn't it?)
143ish lbs

--MM

Strangers passing in the night

Whew. This is hard! It's our first few days with T at his new job, and I back to work at my old job with two kiddoes at home. T and I used to see each other constantly - maybe too much - since we worked together. Now we barely see each other at all. If all goes well, he is gone for work before I get up, and I get home from work after he has gone to bed. Sometimes we hand off a baby in the middle of the night, and I try to come home so we can have dinner together most nights. It's rough though.

Before, I think we probably took each other for granted because the other person was always there. We could instant message each other at work and take little walks around the building. Now our meetings are brief and fleeting. Hopefully, absence will make the heart grow fonder. Or perhaps, I will have a torrid affair with a co-worker. But probably not, since my co-workers are either very young and odd or grandparents.

Work is a bit different since I left. People have moved on and some positions have been shuffled, so I am back to doing extra work. I am a bit irritated since I am attempting to pump breast milk, rush home to feed R, and juggle the equivalent of two jobs. Right now I am handling things fairly well, but I don't intend to let myself be stepped on. I tend to stew and not speak up, but I think that brings on just this type of situation, so this time I will be a squeaky wheel if need be.

Other things are going well. Our childcare provider is wonderful and all the timing is falling into place. I am still so tired I could fall asleep at any moment, but other than that, we're figuring out this crazy dance.

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Monday: 3.5 miles, weights
Tuesday: 3 miles, push-ups and sit-ups
Wednesday: rest

143 lbs.

--MM

Tiiiiiiiiiired

Am so tired. Was up till 2 a.m. watching "The Bachelorette" and "The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All." Was up twice with crying baby R. Was up for good at 8:00 a.m. with both crying babies. Am so tired my bones ache. Not very smart.

--MM