Well hello there

I believe a month just passed me by there. It's been a blur.

This semester I have two very challenging courses that force me to use math-related brain cells that have been dormant for 15 years. (Did I ever really know what natural logarithm was?)

Also, I finally asked for a job change at work. Constantly being in front of a classroom for eight hours a day was wearing me down. I now am in a new role of writing training materials for the physicians and nurses that use our software. It is still demanding work, but the focus of it is a much better fit for me right now.

My workouts have been falling by the wayside lately. I dutifully set my alarm every morning and then hit snooze ten times until I am actually running late. I always feel like crap when I am not working out regularly. I felt like  I needed a goal to work toward. I needed a reason not to hit snooze again.

So I signed up for a marathon. I have fun four before, but it has been several years, and I honestly thought my achy, child-bearing hips couldn't take it again. I ran a tentative five miles, then eight, then ten with no problems. This past weekend I was all the way up to 14, more than half way there! My feet are riddled with blisters, but otherwise, I am feeling good. My sister and I are running the marathon together, and we're going to make it a long, family weekend event. We've run several marathons separately but this will be our first together. (And she's had five kids, so I can't complain much.)

I started running when I was 13, and it has always been a part of my life. Crossing the finish line of my first marathon and feeling the weight of the medal around my neck was one of the proudest, most exhilarating moments of my life. Running makes me feel athletic and powerful. When I was struggling with my hip and lower back problems, I felt a lot of sadness that I would have to give up running. I certainly had to cut back for awhile. I am a lot creakier than I when I was 22 and hadn't given birth to three children, but I still feel athletic and powerful when I lace up my running shoes. And I can't wait to cross that finish line again.

--MM

Relax already

I'm not very good at letting go. I tend to live up in my head, churning through thoughts, planning ahead, looking back, but rarely thinking about the exact moment I am in. I think how many minutes, hours, days, weeks, years until....something. I can eat a bag of chips and not realize it or take my vitamins and then forget if I just actually took them. It's not healthy.

I once read that rumination like this can keep you from being happy in your life. So I've been trying not to do it. Easier said than done if your brain has been operating in the same way since birth. Yoga is a great way to develop a more relaxed mindset. I didn't take easily to yoga when I first tried it. I would be thinking, When is this horrible plank going to be over? What am I going to do after class? Hasn't it been an hour yet? I still sometimes count down the seconds of particularly grueling poses, but I have gotten better at trying to climb down out of my head and actually be aware of my body.

My life is full right now. There is just no way around that. There is always something I need to accomplish or remember from the snack Q needs for school, to my next quiz in class, or a work meeting. If I don't rein it in, my mind just runs wild hopscotching from task to task and worry to worry. Lately I have consciously been trying to reel myself back and focus on one thing at a time. Work when I am at the office, family when the kids are awake, classwork after they go to bed. It doesn't always work but being conscious of it can't hurt.

I found myself yesterday with a vacation day to burn and a spa gift card I hadn't spent. I dedicated the day to a little relaxation and went to yoga, a facial, and lunch with T. It was lovely. Of course, I was stressed when I was running late to the facial and when I couldn't remember where I parked the car, but then I wouldn't be me if there wasn't a little anxiety in the mix.

I envy the people who can blissfully sink into relaxation. Even during a massage my mind is whirling, How many minutes do I have left? Why does my left calf hurt? Does she think my arms are fat?

I just can't turn it off. But at least I am developing the ability to dim it a little.

--MM

I made it

I travel a little lighter to work these days. That's because I can keep my breast pump at home! I am very happy and proud to report that I made it to the one-year benchmark of breastfeeding and am now weaning little Lena.

This has been an important goal for me, as I knew it was the best thing for Lena, and because I did it for both boys and didn't want to shortchange her in any way. That said, it was quite challenging to keep it going for the entire year. I had a tight schedule and often had to pump in handicapped bathrooms during 45-minute lunch breaks. But I made it. And I feel pretty good about that.

Lena on her first birthday in her fancy pink party dress.

--MM

Eight years

T and I have been married eight years. We sealed the deal on August 23, 2003, at what now seems like the very young ages of 24 and 25. Much has happened since then: three states, three kids, three pets, several jobs, a few houses, some ups and a few downs. Our lives are so utterly interwoven now, I don't think either of us can completely remember what life was like before we met in 2001.

We're lucky to have each other. To whom would I send i-phone pictures of my cat? Who else would laugh at my badly-told jokes and silly dances? I'm lucky to have him, but I make sure is frequently reminded that he is lucky to have me.

You get a mountain of advice around the time of your wedding, to much of which we nodded politely. We did get some good words of wisdom that we have lived by. My hairstylist told me to always value and celebrate your anniversary and to do something to mark its importance. She and her husband switched off years of planning something to do. T and I took that approach right from the start, and now I plan all even years and he takes the odds.

Pre-children, we enjoyed romantic weekends away. Some day I want to plan trips to Hawaii or Bora Bora. This year was my time to plan, and with Bora Bora off the table, I looked for something a little closer to home, but still fun. I like to plan it as a surprise to make it a little more memorable. We went to lunch in downtown Milwaukee, out for coffee by Lake Michigan, and then to great seats at the Brewers game. Perhaps not your average eighth-anniversary tradition, but just what we needed to take a breather from the chaos of workschoolkidshomepetsyardworkbills and remember how good we have it.

 

--MM

School days

The nights are growing longer, the mornings have a chill to them, Labor Day is behind us, and now most of the household is back in school. Some of us are more excited then others.

Q started full-day Kindergarten this year, and R is in half-day preschool two days a week. Last week they donned their first-day-of-school outfits and pulled on their back packs and were ready for class. Q is taking the bus and R is getting dropped off by his childcare provider. T and I took the morning off and accompanied them both the first day. Both boys were a bit tentative and a bit excited. It was a strange feeling to have a child in elementary school. I plan to go to the PTO meetings and love the idea of being part of a school! Though I am still convinced I am too young to be at this stage in my life already. R is excited about everything from his markers to his three teachers. I think it will be good for him to have some independence and friends of his very own. So far he has been glued to Q for all his activities.

Both boys have been taking two-hour naps every afternoon, but those will be cut short or even eliminated now that they are school boys. A fortunate side effect; they are now exhausted by bedtime and it is less of a battle than usual.

I am back in class as well as of tonight. It feels like my two months of summer were over before they started. I enjoyed seeing my classmates tonight and listening to an engaging professor and soaking in new bits of knowledge. But a big part of me felt like I did when I was going back to school in tenth grade and would have rather laid on the couch in front of the TV. Just 21 more months to go....

--MM

Pain in the throat and other problems

My pharynx is phalty. The poor thing is blisteringly sore like I have been gargling shards of glass. But you'd think I'd be used to that by now.

I have gotten strep throat more times than I remember. I get it at least once a year, if not more. I didn't realize this was abnormal until I began 2011: The Year of Random Health Issues. Fast-forward to August, and I am staying home without a voice today, taking a medley of medical treatments, and scheduled for a tonsillectomy.

In January, I started noticing some red, itchy spots on my arms around the time I got horribly sick with a 103 degree fever, horrible body aches, and a sore throat. This was all in the midst of a blizzard, so I never made it into the doctor. After several months of misdiagnoses, a dermatologist finally told me I had a type of psoriasis brought on from an untreated strep throat infection. Who knew that happened? Certainly not me.

I eventually saw an ear-nose-throat specialist who told me recurrent strep was not normal for a 32-year-old (at least my throat still thinks I am a teenager) and recommended I get my tonsils out. Unfortunate side note: tonsillectomies are also more common in children and said to be especially painful for adults. Yay. It's also not a great thing to have untreated strep floating around in your body which I have apparently often had. Those little strep jerks can cause your immune system to attack your own organs. So in a few weeks I will get the offending tonsils stripped out, slurp ice cream, and watch daytime TV. But just to get in one last dig, my throat has been incredibly painful for the last week, and I lost my voice yesterday. My tonsils aren't going down without a fight!

--MM

Sweet freedom

Tonight I do not have any homework or nagging work problems on my mind. I bought two trashy magazines this past weekend because I could read them free from guilt that I should be reading something required for class. It's summer vacation, and I feel like I did when I was 17. (Except for that real job thing and the three kids hanging around.)

At work, I have learned to train four classes, which is a major milestone for me. That means for the next several months I will improve how I train rather than constantly learning new material. And- school's out for summer! Or at least for the next six weeks. I procrastinated horribly on a a massive Excel tutorial but now I am blissfully finished, and it feels so good.

What will I do with all this free time? After I finish catching up on my Brangelina and J-Lo gossip, I want to do some good reading. I have never finished the final Twilight book, and it is weighing heavily on my nightstand.

We are taking a road trip to my old college stomping grounds in Missouri where I will get to see the my college friends and their beautiful families. Finishing off a bottle has a whole new meaning in our lives these days, but I am sure we will still manage to have a good time. I also want to get all the kids' scrapbooks and baby books up to date.

T wants to do a half-marathon in August, but I am not entirely convinced yet. I might sit this one out on the sidelines.

I also am getting my tonsils at the start of September, but that is another blog for another day.

It has been probably the busiest and most stressful year of my life with moving, a new job, a new baby, and starting grad school, but I am hitting a relaxing plateau. I feel in control and calm for the first time in a long time.

--MM

My girl

I love this little pink-cheeked sweetheart.

--MM

Wow

This is hard. I knew it would be hard, but it is very, very hard. My first day back to work was last Monday, January 3rd. That also marked our first day with a new nanny, Q's first day at a new school, and my first day teaching a new step class at 6:00 a.m. Excellent planning, no? The morning was a flurry of breastfeeding, diaper bags, showering, little boy clothes, and cups of coffee. Many cups of coffee.

The night before I laid out two outfits for myself--one for step class, one for work--outfits for the boys, and Lena's clothes. I packed a bag for the boys with diapers, wipes, extra underwear and pants, and one for Lena with all her baby stuff. Q's book bag was packed and ready to go with his school supplies. Bottles of milk were waiting in the fridge and my breast pump was packed up. We got out the door and to Q's school on time. He happily but shyly settled into his new room, and I said goodbye to Lena and R. It wasn't easy to leave that baby.

At work I got used to my office again, trying to remember everything I hadn't thought about for several weeks. I tried to organize my tasks to minimize the growing anxiety I was feeling. I made a sign to hang on my door when I was pumping milk, because my door doesn't lock. To add to the madness, last weekend and this weekend I had class half a day Friday and all day Saturday. For the first time in many years, I bit off all my fingernails. I felt seized by stress.

It does feel good to be back to a routine and to feel like I am contributing to the world. So far I have been meeting my deadlines and finding a time and place to pump milk (a conference room at school and once even sitting on the ground in an empty office when I trained a class off-site). I am hanging in there and making do, but it is hard. Some day I will look back fondly on these days I am sure, but for now I am just surviving.

--MM

Where we are

I write this blog mostly for myself. Clearly, based on my handful of readers-though I do appreciate the few of you. I like to write a bit to keep my mind working and to organize my thoughts. It's like an ongoing journal that I can look at to remember what I was doing in 2007 or last month.

I feel like I will remember everything, but am constantly surprised by how it slips from my memory. T and I ask each other, "Was it R who always stuck his tongue out when he smiled, or was that Q?" When you are living your life each day hour by hour you feel like your current situation will last forever. You get trapped in the daily chores of dirty diapers, loud baths, and interrupted nights and forget to appreciate the small moments.

I get mad at myself when I realize I am wishing away each day and each week. I look forward to when the kids will be asleep, to when the weekend arrives, or when a project is over. I fail to submerge myself in the experience.

The start of 2011 marks another chapter in our lives. I will go back to work full-time with three kids at home and with a new nanny. I will start my second semester of my MBA program. Q will start a new school, and we will begin the new year in our new home.

So where are we?

Q is four and a half and is in 4K. He is tall and skinny. He is curious and very observant. If anything is different when he comes down the stairs in the morning, he immediately realizes it. He found most of his Christmas presents long before Christmas morning. He likes learning Spanish words and enjoys coloring, riding his bike, playing with trains, and trucks, and cars. He adores his stuffed seal which is now threadbare and without stuffing. He calls it a puppet and snuggles up with it while he sucks his thumb. It seems to always smell sour and feel a little crunchy even with frequent washing. Q is extremely affectionate and always hugs his teachers and tells us he loves us. He comes into our room most nights and sleeps for a few hours on the ground next to me with his Bucky Badger snuggli. His stuttering comes and goes, and we hope that speech therapy through the school district will help him communicate clearly. Q still has tantrums and collapses to the ground in frustration if he doesn't get what he wants. He can definitely test our patience and frequently pushes or hits his brother. He waits way too long to go to the bathroom and still has regular accidents. He constantly chatters and has an amazing memory. When I stop for a moment, I am amazed that the 4 pound 14 ounce preemie turned into this little boy!

R is a little spitfire. He has big blue eyes and a great head of hair. He is a bit shorter and stockier than Q. He has a big vocabulary and likes to sing. Lately he has been singing Jingle Bells: "Jingle bells, jingle all the way!" He still sleeps in his crib, though he could easily climb out of it. In the morning when he wakes up, he starts kicking his feet together like he is doing the butterfly stroke. He sucks his left thumb just like Q and loves his sailboat pillow. It is also often dirty and sour-smelling. He loves juice, which he water down a lot so he doesn't get a mouthful of cavities. He shows his independence often, whether it is putting his own toothpaste on the toothbrush or holding the cup while we pour in the juice. Sometimes it is frustrating for us, but we remind ourselves that it is just a part of him growing up. He and Q are big buddies though they clash often and have started to tattle on each other. R made us laugh recently when he came upstairs to tell us, "Q said poopy pants." R loves to give Ruby treats. He likes to be picked up and says, "Uppy!" He is dangerously fearless and careens down the sidewalk with his feet off his Big Wheel pedals.

Lena is three months old now, and I think she is really a beauty. She is petite, just in the 25th percentile for height, weight, and head circumference. She has patchy brownish-red hair and so far her eyes are still blue. I hope they stay that way. She is a good girl and doesn't fuss much. She started sleeping through the night around two months. She doesn't even cry when we give her a bath. She smiles often and coos. When she poops, it is loud and boisterous and often embarrassing if we are in a public place. She loves to stretch. Anytime we pick her up, she tucks her legs up and stretches her arms overhead and turns her head side to side. She will do it several times over several minutes. It makes us laugh. I love to stretch too. Maybe it is genetic. Lena loves nursing, and I had the easiest time establishing breastfeeding with her. I think if I let her, she would nurse all night. Against my better judgment, I often fall asleep laying side by side with her nursing. As I type this, she is smiling at me and cooing as she is propped up on pillows. I can tell she is taking the first steps toward communicating. She is such a sweet little girl, and she really seems to charm people. I feel so lucky to finally have my little Lena.

The boys love talking to their baby sister. They often get awkwardly close to her and say, "Hi baby, hi baby, hi baby!" Though I quickly shoo them back and try to prevent them from roughly patting her, she smiles and coos at them. The three kids are always looking out for each other. Q will remind us to get something for R, and R will tell us when the baby is crying. I constantly question my expertise at motherhood (I am not teaching them sign language or taking them to music classes or banning television), but I am proud when I see how loving and compassionate they already are. We must be doing something right.

Truthfully, T and I spend many of our days tired, frustrated, and overwhelmed by family, work, and school responsibilities. We both operate with a constant level of nagging stress but in certain quiet moments, we are filled with love and pride for each other and our family when we stop and realize our many blessings. We need to do that more often.

So that's where we are. A snapshot of our children frozen in time, so I won't forget and will remember to appreciate.

--MM