Friday, January 28, 2011

Sleepy time

If I could have one wish right now, it would be to have 24 hours to just sleep, and lay around, and watch trashy things on TV like Jersey Shore and the Real Housewives of various places. And I would want this 24 hours to be guilt-free and maybe even paid. How can I arrange this?

It has been a tiring week. Lena was up several times during the night this week. On Monday and Tuesday, I solo-trained a class that I probably have no business solo-training yet. The trainees were an interesting mix of thinking I was the worst trainer they have ever had and loving me. One person evaluated me as a 1 out of 5 (5 being best), while another trainee made me an origami kangaroo. Yesterday the nanny called to report R had a fever of 103.2. Not good. After a long wait in the Urgent Care waiting room (during which I was falling asleep against R's head), we found out he has strep throat.

Despite a near continuous infusion of caffeine, I find myself constantly tired. I don't think I can pinpoint a moment in the last month in which I did not want to take a nap. I fall asleep slumped against T during car trips to my parents. I fall asleep during every MBA class. This is not good during Economics when I have the slimmest grasp on what he is talking about in the first place. School and work have me frazzled and the sleep I do get seems to be fragmented and fitful. I find myself dreaming about work. Yuck.

I need to find a way to relax myself and to get out of this urgent pace. These are all good things happening in my life. No reason to be frenzied. I just need to settle....and smile. After all, the Packers are going to the Super Bowl! Ah, I smile just typing that.


Sunday, January 16, 2011


This is hard. I knew it would be hard, but it is very, very hard. My first day back to work was last Monday, January 3rd. That also marked our first day with a new nanny, Q's first day at a new school, and my first day teaching a new step class at 6:00 a.m. Excellent planning, no? The morning was a flurry of breastfeeding, diaper bags, showering, little boy clothes, and cups of coffee. Many cups of coffee.

The night before I laid out two outfits for myself--one for step class, one for work--outfits for the boys, and Lena's clothes. I packed a bag for the boys with diapers, wipes, extra underwear and pants, and one for Lena with all her baby stuff. Q's book bag was packed and ready to go with his school supplies. Bottles of milk were waiting in the fridge and my breast pump was packed up. We got out the door and to Q's school on time. He happily but shyly settled into his new room, and I said goodbye to Lena and R. It wasn't easy to leave that baby.

At work I got used to my office again, trying to remember everything I hadn't thought about for several weeks. I tried to organize my tasks to minimize the growing anxiety I was feeling. I made a sign to hang on my door when I was pumping milk, because my door doesn't lock. To add to the madness, last weekend and this weekend I had class half a day Friday and all day Saturday. For the first time in many years, I bit off all my fingernails. I felt seized by stress.

It does feel good to be back to a routine and to feel like I am contributing to the world. So far I have been meeting my deadlines and finding a time and place to pump milk (a conference room at school and once even sitting on the ground in an empty office when I trained a class off-site). I am hanging in there and making do, but it is hard. Some day I will look back fondly on these days I am sure, but for now I am just surviving.