I made it

I travel a little lighter to work these days. That's because I can keep my breast pump at home! I am very happy and proud to report that I made it to the one-year benchmark of breastfeeding and am now weaning little Lena.

This has been an important goal for me, as I knew it was the best thing for Lena, and because I did it for both boys and didn't want to shortchange her in any way. That said, it was quite challenging to keep it going for the entire year. I had a tight schedule and often had to pump in handicapped bathrooms during 45-minute lunch breaks. But I made it. And I feel pretty good about that.

Lena on her first birthday in her fancy pink party dress.

--MM

Wow

This is hard. I knew it would be hard, but it is very, very hard. My first day back to work was last Monday, January 3rd. That also marked our first day with a new nanny, Q's first day at a new school, and my first day teaching a new step class at 6:00 a.m. Excellent planning, no? The morning was a flurry of breastfeeding, diaper bags, showering, little boy clothes, and cups of coffee. Many cups of coffee.

The night before I laid out two outfits for myself--one for step class, one for work--outfits for the boys, and Lena's clothes. I packed a bag for the boys with diapers, wipes, extra underwear and pants, and one for Lena with all her baby stuff. Q's book bag was packed and ready to go with his school supplies. Bottles of milk were waiting in the fridge and my breast pump was packed up. We got out the door and to Q's school on time. He happily but shyly settled into his new room, and I said goodbye to Lena and R. It wasn't easy to leave that baby.

At work I got used to my office again, trying to remember everything I hadn't thought about for several weeks. I tried to organize my tasks to minimize the growing anxiety I was feeling. I made a sign to hang on my door when I was pumping milk, because my door doesn't lock. To add to the madness, last weekend and this weekend I had class half a day Friday and all day Saturday. For the first time in many years, I bit off all my fingernails. I felt seized by stress.

It does feel good to be back to a routine and to feel like I am contributing to the world. So far I have been meeting my deadlines and finding a time and place to pump milk (a conference room at school and once even sitting on the ground in an empty office when I trained a class off-site). I am hanging in there and making do, but it is hard. Some day I will look back fondly on these days I am sure, but for now I am just surviving.

--MM

Outnumbered

The first couple weeks of maternity leave were fantastic. T was off work. The boys went to school and the childcare provider. T and I got tasks done to settle into our new house, hung out with sweet little Lena, and went out for lunch.

This week everything changed. T went back to work, and the last two days the boys have been home the entire day. It's been exhausting. I am beginning to think having three little kids was not the best idea. Is it too late to reconsider?

The boys wake up around 6:00 a.m. I would like to sleep about four hours longer than that. T gives them breakfast while I feed Lena. Then I drag myself out of bed to chase them around the house. My utter exhaustion makes my patience a little thin.

The boys are there high-energy selves, piling up pillows and jumping off couches. Often when I am taking care of the baby, they are dismantling something in the next room. They are very sweet and loving toward Lena. They love to hold her and pat her head. I have to watch R very closely as he often tries to touch her eyes or push her in her swing. But so far I don't see any sibling rivalry with the baby. They are proud of their new little sister.

Life will be a lot easier and more enjoyable when Lena (and I) are sleeping through the night. In the meantime, I am looking forward to Monday when they go back to school and childcare.

--MM