Saturday, November 29, 2008

Mmmmm, pie

I love pie. I can easily skip a piece of cake, but pie just calls to me. Thanksgiving is a wonderful time of year because it includes pie.

I had to work yesterday on Thanksgiving Day, which made me happier to be leaving my job and no longer working on holidays. However, we still had a nice dinner with turkey (for T), tofu (for me), stuffing, sweet potatoes, spinach salad, and rolls.

The boys all came up to the station later with pumpkin pie and coffee. T cut us huge wedges, and we topped them with an obscene amount of whipped cream. Q apparently inherited our appreciation of pie and was asking for a slice all day. He usually eats the whipped cream in one giant mouthful and then asks for more.

This morning, I decided it was entirely appropriate to have pie for breakfast. Two pieces in fact. It does have vitamin A right? Q has to keep a constant dialogue going from the time he wakes up, and as is the specialty of young children, must point out all embarrassing details.

"Mama havin' pie breakfast?"
"Yes, Mama is having pie for breakfast."

I go to help myself to another slice.

"Mama havin' mo' pie?"
"Yes, Mama is having more pie. For god's sake, Mama likes pie and if Mama wants two slices for breakfast, that's what she is going to do. Are you calling your Mama fat?"

I just thought the last part. I didn't actually say it. Kids have an annoying/endearing way of calling you out on things you normally try to sneak by unnoticed.


Thursday, November 27, 2008


It's strange being almost gone. My boss spread the word of my departure today. People are already telling me goodbye, good luck, keep in touch. I keep reminding them, "I'm going to be here two more months!" I guess just like I am checking out of my current life, they are crossing me out of theirs. It's sad in a way.

I also am nervous about making the wrong decision. When I was in high school, I never even thought I wanted to have children. I just pictured myself as a professional woman. I am a strong feminist and didn't think I should be relegated to the household. I never would have pictured myself about to step into this lifestyle.

And yet it feels right for our family right now. I was getting to the point where I was working long, crazy hours because I felt like I was supposed to. I pride myself on getting tons of things done during a day, but it doesn't necessarily make me happy. I was getting to caught up in the idea of what my life should be like, instead of what it actually was or what I wanted it to be. My job doesn't inspire me enough to continue to give up my evenings and holidays. I feel like my career was stealing from me instead of adding to me.

Still, it is hard to acknowledge that this place will go on just fine without me. I will be replaced and life will go on. I feel protective of my position and am worried part of my identity will slip away when my title does. I have to keep reminding myself that this is not a permanent, binding decision. I can change my mind.

But this is certainly a turning point. And change is often painful even if it brings about a happy ending.


Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Did it!

I gave my resignation today. What a weight off! And it wasn't even so bad. I crafted my short, professional resignation letter today and then handed it over. I am giving eight weeks notice, which I think is quite generous.

I haven't really told any co-workers yet. I am afraid at least some of them will rain on my parade a bit, so why do I want to rush into that?

But, the stage is now set. In two months, we are moving to the Napa Valley. Big changes are ahead.


Monday, November 24, 2008

Twilight addiction

Read the book. Saw the movie. The book was much better, but the movie wasn't bad at all. That might have something to do with "Edward" and "Jasper" in the movie. I now have the next book in the series, New Moon. I can't wait to delve into it tonight.

It is a bit strange being totally involved in series beloved by girls half my age, but it is just good. If you are skeptical, give it a try. I sure was. Harry Potter did not interest me in the least, but something about these books is captivating.


Saturday, November 22, 2008

Crazy child

Sometimes Q scares me a little. We are all still a little sick, so that makes him cranky, plus he has been extremely over-tired lately. When he gets like that, he is an utterly crazy child. He screams and cries and almost hyperventilates. He demands his seal and then his blanket and then doesn't want either one of them. He wants to go night-night but really he doesn't. He is hungry but he doesn't want anything to eat. He wants up. He wants down. It is a crazy thing to watch his confused, over-tired little mind trying to work.

The only time an adult would be that desperate and emotional was if he were begging for his life. Toddler brains are hard to understand. They are just little balls of emotion and uncontrolled energy. Last night, Q was having one of his now-familiar meltdowns. I tried to stay calm myself as he writhed, squealed, and occasionally pummelled me. Brushing his teeth was the biggest challenge of the night, but eventually I gated him in his room and at long last he stretched out, thumb in mouth for some much needed night-night.


This morning, the crazy child was back. Apparently he hadn't gotten enough sleep. Neither did his mama. I was coughing all night and barely slept. I had a luncheon to go to but had an awful morning. Q was coming unhinged, R fussed in his high chair waiting for his pureed carrots, and I needed to tend to the dog.

I decided to just get done what I could and then try to make it to the luncheon on time. I half got ready, not even brushing my teeth, and hustled downstairs to meet the child care provider. She wasn't there. She apparently thought she was supposed to be there an hour later. I did not want to be late to the luncheon because it included a surprise award presentation. I strapped the kids in the car, called T, and told him to meet me at the luncheon to take over the children. Q had a poop in his pants and no shoes on. It was not my best morning.

Eventually, the kids were successfully handed off to T and then the childcare provider. I made it to the luncheon a little late, but not too late. And I did return home afterward to brush my teeth and finish making myself presentable.

I really hope this weekend brings me at least one night of cough-free sleep and a calmer, happier Q.


Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Already half gone

I am struggling lately to live in the moment. I know when I am leaving, so I am already starting to disengage. Even with friendships and social groups I think, 'I won't even be here in a few months, so why even bother?' Unhealthy, I know.

In work though, I am almost feeling the opposite. I am realizing this could be the last few months I am in the broadcast journalism field, and I am trying to squeeze in last minute projects. I am feeling such conflicting feelings, because I know there are things I will miss, but I just as often am excited about the prospect of staying home with my family for a few years. It is a strange situation to be in.

I need to just be fully engaged in each day and not be living in the future. What's the point of wishing my time away? My fatal flaw is impatience though, so this is going to be a big challenge for me.


Q has become addicted to Knee Bouncers. It is an online game for toddlers. If you have a little one that loves to bang on your laptop keys and smear them with peanut butter and Cheez-It crumbs, you must try it!


Sunday, November 16, 2008

Sick house

We are all sick as dogs. At night you can hear a chorus of coughs from T's lowest pitched to the baby's pathetic squeaky cough. It is horrible seeing your kids sick, and it is really hard to take care of them when you're sick. Gone are the days when you can just check out from the world when you don't feel well.

I was feeling pretty crappy toward the end of the week, but I was the last to feel the brunt of the bug. T sounded horrible on Friday and the boys were coughing and wiping their noses. T worked a half day, and we let our child care provider stay away from the sick house.

Saturday I woke up with a croak for a voice, and the boys weren't any better. I got a sub to teach my yoga class and crawled back into bed. My body just ached. Thankfully, Q was feeling sluggish himself, so we laid in the bed together for a loooooong time. Just getting a good chunk of sleep helped a lot. Hopefully, we can end our quarantine tomorrow.


A friend of mine recently started a book club, and I am loving it. It is a casual, laid-back group, and we have had just one meeting so far. I was fairly skeptical about our second book. It is the ubiquitous Twilight. It is meant to be a young adult book and is centered around a family of vampires. It reminded me a lot of Harry Potter, which I never really got into. But let me tell you, it was great. I can't wait to read the next one.


Saturday, November 15, 2008

Craving a little recognition

I finished a project I was very proud of this week. I did a couple of stories on composite sketches of suspects. I put a lot of time into the project while also doing my regular job. I was very happy with the final result and has one of those rare experiences in which I actually recognize a job well done. I tend to focus a little too obsessively on what I could have done right.

The stories aired yesterday, and today when I came into work, I hoped at least for a tiny bit of acknowledgement from my bosses. At least to know they had at least watched the stories. You guessed it -- not a word. I was frustrated and aggravated. What crappy management. It is such a competitive environment as well, that many of my co-workers wouldn't dream of actually complimenting another person. I try to go out of my way to acknowledge what other people do, but apparently other people don't feel the need to do the same.

I have to keep reminding myself that I know I did a good job. But it sure would be nice to know someone else felt the same way.


Monday, November 10, 2008

Tug of war

Details of our next step in life are beginning to fall into place. I am anxious and excited but worried and hesitant. T is being transferred to a new position. It is a good move for him and a great step in his career. Two huge things are weighing on my mind: selling our house and not losing a ton of money and telling my work that I am leaving.

Another decision for me that I have been constantly thinking about is the next step in my career. Do I stay in my current profession and endure an extremely long commute for a low-level job? Do I embark on a new career and again face a long commute? I have agonized over the decision and think I have come to a solution I am comfortable with. I think I am going to stay at home with my boys and teach aerobics and yoga classes during the week. Then if it is just not for me, I will look for a job. I am excited to be able to see my sons more often, spend evenings with my husband, and not have to work on holidays. But, I do have a lot of fears. I am used to feeling valuable and important. My career is my identity and my self-worth. What will I feel like when I am just someone's mom and husband? Do I start going by my married name even though I have been known by my maiden name for the past 30 years? Will I resent my husband and his success?

These are definitely worries I have, but I am prepared for them. I know I will have to find ways to keep busy and get out of the house, and if I find myself unhappy and unfulfilled, I will go in a different direction.

I also have worries about re-entering the career world after taking time off to stay home. Will anyone hire me? Will I start at the very bottom? I am toying with the idea of working on my Master's the next few years.

My mind is reeling with constant thoughts and worries, but mostly I am excited. We have been where we are for five and a half years. I am ready for a change, and I think this is the right one.


New era

I am thrilled about our new president, though he was my second choice. I look forward to the day when our country can actually elect a woman president.