Wow

This is hard. I knew it would be hard, but it is very, very hard. My first day back to work was last Monday, January 3rd. That also marked our first day with a new nanny, Q's first day at a new school, and my first day teaching a new step class at 6:00 a.m. Excellent planning, no? The morning was a flurry of breastfeeding, diaper bags, showering, little boy clothes, and cups of coffee. Many cups of coffee.

The night before I laid out two outfits for myself--one for step class, one for work--outfits for the boys, and Lena's clothes. I packed a bag for the boys with diapers, wipes, extra underwear and pants, and one for Lena with all her baby stuff. Q's book bag was packed and ready to go with his school supplies. Bottles of milk were waiting in the fridge and my breast pump was packed up. We got out the door and to Q's school on time. He happily but shyly settled into his new room, and I said goodbye to Lena and R. It wasn't easy to leave that baby.

At work I got used to my office again, trying to remember everything I hadn't thought about for several weeks. I tried to organize my tasks to minimize the growing anxiety I was feeling. I made a sign to hang on my door when I was pumping milk, because my door doesn't lock. To add to the madness, last weekend and this weekend I had class half a day Friday and all day Saturday. For the first time in many years, I bit off all my fingernails. I felt seized by stress.

It does feel good to be back to a routine and to feel like I am contributing to the world. So far I have been meeting my deadlines and finding a time and place to pump milk (a conference room at school and once even sitting on the ground in an empty office when I trained a class off-site). I am hanging in there and making do, but it is hard. Some day I will look back fondly on these days I am sure, but for now I am just surviving.

--MM