I am not sure where to go.
I think I have fairly well established that domesticity is not entirely for me. I like aspects of it like seeing minuscule changes in my children the moment they happen, trying out new recipes, and shlubbing around the house in my pajamas if I feel like it. But overall it is not fulfilling to me. I honestly wish it was, and I admire women who make staying at home seem effortless and inspired. My sister is one of these supermoms who bakes her own bread, gardens, and is the den mother for the cub scouts. But I am not, and I am pretty sure I never will be.
So what then? Do I go back to school? Maybe. I spent a lot of time today looking into programs and requirements and deadlines. It is all very overwhelming and it shakes my confidence. Many of the programs seem insanely competitive, and I am hesitant to spend the time, money, and effort on something I think is a long shot. Plus, I am just not sure what inspires passion in me at this point. And I feel old. I know that's silly, but I picture myself in my mid-30's surrounded by all these fresh-faced 23 year olds.
Do, I go back to TV? I am not convinced I want to go that route either. It is such a demanding career path with long, odd hours, weekends, and holidays. It makes family life tough. And even if I decided I did want to go in that direction, it's not like TV stations or any employers for that matter are opening the door to a stream of new employees.
So I am stuck. It all makes my mind whirl like a bike down a hill without brakes. I just want to know now what comes next. I want to have a plan. I don't want to wait and see what happens. That is against my nature. It makes me wonder if I should have put off marriage and family and solidified my career first. But what if that made having a family harder later? Should we try to expand our family now or wait if I want to try a different career? Should I just suck it up and stay home and consider myself lucky that I even have that opportunity? Will I ever be satisfied whatever I do??
Maybe that's the real question.
--MM
It's hard to make a major life change like you just did. The beauty of your situation is that you have time to plot exactly what you think you want to do. I think doing what you are doing right now (weighing the options, looking into the future) will eventually get you the answer that is best for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteHugs.