Ready for flight

In just over a week, I will get on a plane alone with two small children. I am scared. Q is over two, so he requires his own seat. I will hold R in my lap. I am nervous about the entire situation. Q on the other hand is thrilled.

He knows he is going on a plane and constantly asks when it will happen. He knows he is going to "Sconsin" and will see "Gamma and Papa." I am excited to get there, but not thrilled about the trip. I won't be shy about asking for help. I am more than willing to hand R over to a flight attendant while I get Q settled. In fact, I might even negotiate an upgrade to first class and leave the boys in coach. I'm not kidding.

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The plane that crashed into the Hudson River last week is of great interest to Q. I find it fascinating and the pilot's actions amazing, but it is not something I ever want to experience. Q however tells us he wants his plane to land on the water. Let's hope he doesn't get his wish.

--MM

New look

So what do you think? With much help from my husband, Musings of a Modern Mama is evolving. I thought it was time for some redecorating.

--MM

Attack of the butterflies

Q said he was attacked by a butterfly on the stairs the other day, and he had to step on it. Brave little guy.

Beware of killer butterflies!

--MM

Lame duck

Not the president. Me. I feel weird. This is such a strange limbo. I am still in my current job and house and life, but it is almost over. It is an odd feeling, and I don't like it.

I announced on air this week that I would be leaving. It was a little strange and awkward, especially doing it repeatedly. I got several kind emails from viewers, but that made me feel weird too. They asked me to keep in touch and keep writing my blog for the website, but that's just not how it works. Things keep chugging along without you, and the last thing my station wants to do is hang onto to images or blogs of mine. They want to start promoting the next person. I understand that and am fine with it, and too much attention to my departure makes me self-conscious and unsure of myself.

I just want to be in our next step already. The problem is, we will be slowed by our pit stop at my parents' house. I worry I will be miserable and lonely stuck in a house that's not mine without a job and with two small children stressing me out. I am not a glass half-full kind of girl. I steel myself to be unhappy. Not exactly healthy, huh?

I have about two weeks left here before we get on a plane and fly out of Oregon and half way across the country. I should try to enjoy these remaining days, but I can't help but feel frustrated, impatient, and useless.

I know how President Bush feels. Sorta.

--MM

Rowdy nights

Q is having a hard time lately, and it is painful for all of us. Usually only T has to deal with the nightly frustration, but on the weekends I get to partake. Q has no interest in going to sleep in his bed, and the best we can hope for is for him to doze off on the ground. Lately, he hasn't even wanted to do that. He screams and cries and almost seems to panic. T usually caves and lets him come downstairs and lie on the couch or get in our bed. We have spent several nights crammed into our full-size bed with at least one cat at the foot of it. We really need to get at least a queen-size bed.

I feel we need to nip it in the bud, because right now he knows if he carries on enough, he will get his way. I was determined to stick to my guns, but last night it was tough. We got him all ready for bed, and then gated him in to his room. He started crying and screaming and pleading to be let out. He looked so sad and angry, and I just wanted to rescue him. It was actually almost physically painful. He stopped crying temporarily but started up again. I read him a book over the gates and tried to soothe him. He finally relaxed, and so did I. Tonight was much quicker and smoother. Sometimes doing what you know is right feels awful.

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This weekend I had two goodbye gatherings. One was a breakfast with a few girls from work and the other was a dinner with the people I teach group exercise classes with. They were so enjoyable and touching. I always feel a little shy and awkward at gatherings like that. I question what makes me deserve them. Still it meant a lot and brought home our pending departure.

-MM

Countdown begins

Just two more weeks, thirty more shows. Craziness.

I am taking next Friday off for working New Year's Day. I felt strange taking a day off when I have so few left, but I earned it for working on a holiday! Anyway, I decided to go all out for my day of freedom. I am going to get a hot stone massage and a manicure and pedicure and then am going out for dinner and drinks with some girlfriends. Heaven.

We are starting to figure out details of our move. Slowly. People keep asking if we are all packed and ready. That could not be further from the truth. That's just not how we roll. We are mercifully having the movers pack though.

I will be flying out with the boys in three weeks, and T will follow in the car with all the beasts. I'm not sure who has it worse. The moving truck will arrive afterward, and we will put our stuff in storage while we temporarily stay with my parents. Our house is still on the market with no signs of selling, and our asking price is already less than what we bought it for. It's frightening. I know some people owe twice as much as their house is worth, so we could be worse off, but I just feel stuck. I want to turn the page and start the next chapter of our lives, but we have this anchor in Oregon. We likely will end up renting the house because we are not able to just write a check to the bank for the difference. We were so excited to buy our first house five years ago, but now I kind of wish we had just rented this whole time!

Things will work out, and I am trying to be flexible and patient, but that is just not in my nature. I want things to be decided and settled, and I want it NOW. But that is just not how it is, and I have to live with it.

Mostly, I am excited. I will be able to see my family and have them over for dinner. I will be able to stay with my boys and go to the grocery store in anonymity. It will be a nice life.

--MM

New year, new state

We will end 2008 in Oregon, and spend 2009 in Wisconsin. Our changes have changed. A few weeks ago, we thought we were headed to Napa, California. Now we know we are heading to Madison, Wisconsin.

Most people I tell this to say, "What? That's too bad." But Wisconsin is where I grew up. It's where my mom and dad and sister and brother-in-law and four nephews and best friend live. And Madison is a cool town. I am excited about the change. For once we can spend a weekend with family and invite relatives to R's first birthday party rather than bored but kind friends. Q and R will get to play and grow up with their four little cousins. It's great!

I haven't lived in Wisconsin in 12 years. I went away to college, moved farther away for my first job, and then across the country for my second. This will be a drastic change, but a welcome one.

We still have our house here in Oregon, and I am not optimistic it will sell any time soon. We plan to move in with my parents temporarily and then maybe rent in Madison for awhile. I am still not sure where my future will take me. I can easily stay in TV news in Madison, or I could try staying home with the kidlings, or try something else. So much freedom actually makes me a little uneasy. What do I want to do? What if I make the wrong decision? Will I pull my hair out staying with my parents? Do I clean their house for them? Do I make meals for all of us?

I am planning on flying solo to Wisconsin with the boys at the end of January. T will follow driving with the two cats and dog. My poor parents will go from their peaceful existence as a couple in their spotless house, to a ramshackle existence with four adults, two young children, two cats, and a semi-potty-trained dachshund. My poor meticulous mother.

2008 was filled with excitement and frustration. A new baby set my heart soaring but work often had me dragging. 2009 holds a lot of unknown and a lot of promise. I guess that's all you can ask for.

Happy New Year!

--MM