I made it

I travel a little lighter to work these days. That's because I can keep my breast pump at home! I am very happy and proud to report that I made it to the one-year benchmark of breastfeeding and am now weaning little Lena.

This has been an important goal for me, as I knew it was the best thing for Lena, and because I did it for both boys and didn't want to shortchange her in any way. That said, it was quite challenging to keep it going for the entire year. I had a tight schedule and often had to pump in handicapped bathrooms during 45-minute lunch breaks. But I made it. And I feel pretty good about that.

Lena on her first birthday in her fancy pink party dress.

--MM

Sweet freedom

Tonight I do not have any homework or nagging work problems on my mind. I bought two trashy magazines this past weekend because I could read them free from guilt that I should be reading something required for class. It's summer vacation, and I feel like I did when I was 17. (Except for that real job thing and the three kids hanging around.)

At work, I have learned to train four classes, which is a major milestone for me. That means for the next several months I will improve how I train rather than constantly learning new material. And- school's out for summer! Or at least for the next six weeks. I procrastinated horribly on a a massive Excel tutorial but now I am blissfully finished, and it feels so good.

What will I do with all this free time? After I finish catching up on my Brangelina and J-Lo gossip, I want to do some good reading. I have never finished the final Twilight book, and it is weighing heavily on my nightstand.

We are taking a road trip to my old college stomping grounds in Missouri where I will get to see the my college friends and their beautiful families. Finishing off a bottle has a whole new meaning in our lives these days, but I am sure we will still manage to have a good time. I also want to get all the kids' scrapbooks and baby books up to date.

T wants to do a half-marathon in August, but I am not entirely convinced yet. I might sit this one out on the sidelines.

I also am getting my tonsils at the start of September, but that is another blog for another day.

It has been probably the busiest and most stressful year of my life with moving, a new job, a new baby, and starting grad school, but I am hitting a relaxing plateau. I feel in control and calm for the first time in a long time.

--MM

Week of crap

Wow, I had a bad week last week. Just horribly bad. And I pretty much let one person control that.

I knew going in that it would be a stressful week. I was teaching entirely new topics. I had to work late at night and get up very early in the morning poring over my notes and lesson plans to get ready for class. I was stressed and tired and felt awkward and unsure. I was counting down the hours until class was over. But I made it. And I actually thought I did pretty well. People seemed to get it, and I didn't make a complete ass of myself. Sometimes that counts as success.

Then I made the mistake of reading my evaluations right after class, when I still felt pretty good about how the class had gone, all things considered. Many were very kind and complimentary. A couple said they weren't thrilled with the training. And then one had a cruel personal comment that I won't repeat here because I have been repeating it in my head far too often.

I was pissed. And sad. I had worked so hard that week to make the class a success, and all this person can say is a comment on my appearance. Of course the comment was anonymous. So I spent a fair amount of time trying to figure out who it was or how I had wronged that person.

Then I switched to deciding I was horrible at my job and for some reason people didn't like me. Then I evolved to thinking I shouldn't be working anyway if it was going to make me miserable, and I might as well just stay home with my kids. It was a long weekend.

This week went better. I had a good class, and my trainees were engaged and seemed happy. I decided to not even read my evals, opting to let my boss share any actually constructive criticism after she read them.

It's a shame people can be such jerks. It's sad that women are more likely to criticize women. It's pathetic that one person saw a personal comment as a valid item to include on an evaluation. And it's not right that I should feel miserable after a week I had every right to be proud of.

--MM

Teetering

I was thisclose to the breaking point this week. I just had too much on my plate, and I didn't feel like I could handle it. I still feel swamped, but I am a bit more in control.
My projects at work are mounting. It is just impossible to get the amount of work done expected of me in regular eight-hour days. I will be spending a couple hours working tonight. That's just how it is. I don't love that, but it's a reality. I know it's a demanding job, but this week, so much else was piled on top that I felt sick with stress.

We were training a new version of our software, and I was with a particular co-trainer for the first time. I had to take my extra-long breaks for pumping as usual, but this time someone was in the mother's room and the nearest handicap bathroom. I was sprint-walking through the halls with my pump bag slung over my shoulder trying to find a place to lift my shirt.

Thursday night I had an impossibly hard Economics exam. Studying for it was making my head hurt. On Wednesday night, I was falling asleep as I was studying, so I decided instead to wake up at 4:00 the next morning to study, walk on the treadmill, and tend to Lena. I went to bed at the same time as the boys that night and actually felt fairly rested. I may have managed a B on the exam and having it behind me took a great deal of stress off my mind.

Still this upcoming week is ridiculously busy. I have to be in to work tomorrow at 7:00 a.m. to mentor a new hire. I am teaching a new class tomorrow and Tuesday for which I am not yet prepared (hence the working several hours today). R's birthday party is this Saturday, and the boys both start soccer this Sunday. (A funny side note: somehow T is the coach for both teams. I can not imagine three-year-olds are highly competitive. It's going to be like herding cats!)

As I was driving to class and my exam on Thursday, I called my mom. She and my dad are coming over to help me on Wednesday this week, because our nanny is taking the day off.

"I just feel like I have too much on my plate," I told her. My throat was aching a bit from held-off tears.

"That's because you do."

I know I do, but I don't know what to do about it at this point. And right now I feel like I am just surviving. Lena is almost six months old, and I want to enjoy her instead of seeing her as another task to take care of.

My standards for myself are impossibly high, and I feel like I set myself up for failure. I feel like anything less than nursing Lena for a year is letting her down. If I don't do this for her, aren't I just being selfish? If I get an AB in my class, isn't that the same as flunking? I have this constant anxiety of not doing enough. My rampant perfectionism causes me to be high-achieving but also rarely satisfied.

So something's got to give. I clearly can't go on juggling all of this. But I just don't know what  to give up.

--MM

Sleepy time

If I could have one wish right now, it would be to have 24 hours to just sleep, and lay around, and watch trashy things on TV like Jersey Shore and the Real Housewives of various places. And I would want this 24 hours to be guilt-free and maybe even paid. How can I arrange this?

It has been a tiring week. Lena was up several times during the night this week. On Monday and Tuesday, I solo-trained a class that I probably have no business solo-training yet. The trainees were an interesting mix of thinking I was the worst trainer they have ever had and loving me. One person evaluated me as a 1 out of 5 (5 being best), while another trainee made me an origami kangaroo. Yesterday the nanny called to report R had a fever of 103.2. Not good. After a long wait in the Urgent Care waiting room (during which I was falling asleep against R's head), we found out he has strep throat.

Despite a near continuous infusion of caffeine, I find myself constantly tired. I don't think I can pinpoint a moment in the last month in which I did not want to take a nap. I fall asleep slumped against T during car trips to my parents. I fall asleep during every MBA class. This is not good during Economics when I have the slimmest grasp on what he is talking about in the first place. School and work have me frazzled and the sleep I do get seems to be fragmented and fitful. I find myself dreaming about work. Yuck.

I need to find a way to relax myself and to get out of this urgent pace. These are all good things happening in my life. No reason to be frenzied. I just need to settle....and smile. After all, the Packers are going to the Super Bowl! Ah, I smile just typing that.

--MM